Chauncey Blawncey

This is my reply to Chauncey Billups saying that Kobe had a lot of “easy baskets” tonight… He’s playing with a BROKEN finger, motherfucker! Your career all-time high happened tonight, and I will give you that BUT only that. KOBE is a legend. You’re a mere flake.

The end.

Unicorns.

They don’t exist. Just like the Honesty Zone and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. They all don’t exist. 

Just like love without pain.

June 09, 2009

I’m slowly losing hope.

The Sun.

This is the first time in a very long time that I was sad that the sun was coming up.

*sigh* Tomorrow, the sun comes up again.  Hopefully, things will be better. 

 But right now… I can only hope…

School and I.

School and I have an unfair relationship.

I’m the slave,

and School…

that is my master.

The one whom I try very hard to please.

And School often stubbornly plays hard-to-get.

Slaving away last night until about 4 AM this morning,

that was when I finallybecame satisfied of the work I have done.

And I thought school would be faily content with my performance.

We are yet to find that out on judgement day next month…

School is my master.

Sleep, on the other hand,

is a completely different entity…

for it is my torturer.

It is now past 6 in the morning…

I am tired, restless, and aching all over…

but Sleep just won’t let me rest.

I pray that School showers me with A’s

and that Sleep… lets me…

SLEEP.

Try Not to Let a Lifetime Slip Away.

Here is a list.  Most are random.  Some are weird.  All about me.

I. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, my parents, and my older brother are my heroes.

II. My little brother is my angel.

III. I broke the stereotype of the typical Asian math whiz when I started to cry my eyes out doing fractions in my mom’s bedroom at about age ten.

I cannot multiply or divide fractions (up to this date) to save my life.  Math was the only subject that held me back in school because B’s in Math automatically meant I can’t be in the honors section even though I got straight A’s in everything else.  That’s Catholic school for you.  Pain in the ass nuns.

IV. I oftentimes expect Ramon to read my mind especially when it comes to presents.

That’s probably why I never get what I want him to get me… because he’s not very good when it comes to reading minds.  I can tell you that he’s very good with mice though.  Props.  (Cinderellyyyy- inside joke).

V. I am EXTREMELY obsessive when it comes to make-up. I love talking about make-up, playing with make-up, and buying make-up. And Happy Valentine’s Day.

It has come to the point where if I had fifteen dollars and some change in my wallet, I would spend it buying a very much wanted shade of MAC eyeshadow – and THAT is money well spent.  There’s just such an amazing and fulfilling sense of satisfaction I get from carrying those pretty, little, black bags from MAC or from Sephora.  If you were to make me choose between MAC or Sephora, then my answer would depend on my mood.  I like that I have a lot of variety at Sephora, but I LOVE that I KNOW I can trust the make-up I get from MAC – there’s no need to gamble with a tried and tested brand.  What did I tell you?  OBSESSIVE.

VI. THAT SAID… I am quite the shopaholic.

But honestly, I do tend to overspend when it comes to clothing, shoes, BAGS (although this part of my shopping my mom and dad often takes care of the financing part – but my first COACH bag that I bought with my OWN money is my one true love – it was from the original COACH Heritage collection, red stripe, medium, love it, love it, love it!), and everything else.   I remember when I went through a phase of buying those old fashioned boxes with pretty designs (kind of like hat boxes but regularly shaped, rectangular boxes) made of strong, thick cardboard.  I still have a few empty ones, but I’ve always thought they were a good investment – I’ll always have something to store.

VII. I color code my classes. 

The first thing I do when I get my textbooks is find a dominant color looking at the cover, and then I decide which color notebook should go with that class based on that dominant color on the textbook cover. I’m a weirdo, I know.  I have post-it notes, highlighters, post-it flags, and filler paper in pink, yellow, green, blue, orange, and purple… and green paper for miscellaneous things.  It takes me about two weeks to decide which notebooks to use for my classes which involves a lot of re-writing of notes.  My seven classes this semester were very difficult to color code by the way because highlighter makers usually just make the six basic highlighter colors: yellow, green, pink, blue, orange, and purple. BUT I did find a teal colored highlighter which saved my life.  LOL.  The only other people I know who color code their classes are Katy Daily and Katie Dix.  They are both awesome girls, and I find it interesting that they both have the initials K.D.

VIII. As sappy as this may sound, I believe in soul mates.  Ramon is mine.  For many, many reasons.

IX. Those very few people who really know me know how truly random I can get, and they’re very lucky because I tend to close myself off from people I can’t trust.

I guess ever since I lost someone very close to me two summers ago, I’ve never really trusted anybody else into my life which I sometimes think is a problem… but right now all I know is that I have to protect myself from that ever happening again because even though I put up this persona that I don’t care that I lost her as a BEST friend or as a friend at all, I can’t ever get that back and all I’ll ever have are the memories – all of them good except for one.  So if you think I’m being so closed off or snobby to the point of being bitchy, it’s not because I’m a snob – I have my reasons.

X. My rule for engagement and wedding is very simple.  It’s the “Five then five” rule. 5-karat diamond ring, then five thousand dollar dress.  OR UP never down.  Is that too much to ask?  I gotta find me a millionaire husband.

XI. As many of you know, I work at the Johnny Rockets in the Annapolis Mall part-time which I love and hate (love because of most of the people I work with but hate because of some of the people that eat there); but I feel like my time is coming up… to join the real world, and when that time comes I want to explore a country, a village, a community, or a tribe very different from what I’m familiar with and just immerse myself in their culture and social practices.  I think that would be a dream come true.

I’ll miss feeding fat people burgers though.

XII. There is nothing in this world that can put me in a great mood like the way the music of The Beatles does.  Nothing.  I was raised listening to their music, and to this very day I grow more and more to like it.  My dream is to one day go to Liverpool with my little brother and my dad.

(more…)

Change.

No.  This post is not about the new President.  Although by merely mentioning him I’ve kind of made at least a few sentences about him.  I’m not too excited about him (to say the least)… BUT, let’s give the guy a chance.  I would like to see what he can do.  I have high hopes, but modest expectations.

Moving on to more important matters.  Matters about ME, of course.  

The Spring semester started this week.  And it was such a very long week. Seven classes.  19.5 credits.  This semester is going to be rough, but I have to do what I have to do.  The two classes I’m most worried about, well… let’s make that three, are: Higher Education and Social Inequality (SOCY 415/615), Anthropological Theory, and Social Epidemiology.  All of which are 400-level classes — one of them is a graduate level course, and the rest of my classes are 300-level.  Now you know what I mean when I say this is going to be a rough semester.  I think what made this week feel even longer was the snow followed by frozen rain.  Don’t get me wrong I love snow, but not when the school thinks that we are all going to be okay with the campus looking like a giant ice rink.  I’m so lucky I didn’t break anything.  Although if I did, I’m already getting surgery on Monday — maybe I could get a 2 in 1 deal.  I must admit, it was so tempting to just slide around on Erickson Field.

Surgery.  Yes, you read that right.   I have a scheduled foot surgery on Monday at 2 PM.  I’m not really scared.  I’m not really worried.  I just want to get it over with.  I’m hoping for a speedy recovery, so that I can get back on track right away.

Overall this week was pretty good.  My first day of classes was amazing.  It’s nice to finally be back from a long winter break.  And what I particularly liked about being back at UMBC was the fact that my days are scheduled again.  No more sleeping ’til past noon.  No more eating my first meal of the day at 1PM.  No more wasting days away.  Although, today I was kind of in bed until about 1:30PM, but I do have a good excuse.  I’ve been sick for the past few days.  I guess that’s another reason why this week felt so long.  I have a cold, but what sucks is my cough which is making my throat hurt like hell.  Last night was the first day of Anthropological Theory, and it’s a three-hour class.  I probably had over 7 cough drops and used about 15 tissues.  Today I needed my rest.  Luckily, I don’t have any classes on Fridays.  But I did skip work.  I figured I’m going to need to get better if I have to work this weekend and get surgery on Monday.  I just can’t imaging being sick and having an injured foot.  Yikes.

So what else is new?  THE HAIR.  I cut my hair!  It’s barely touching the shoulder.  Very few layers.  Very easy to manage.   I love it!  I am donating the rest of it to Pantene’s Beautiful Lengths Program.  Whoever is going to get my hair is going to be very lucky.  Now all I need to do is mail it.  All 18 inches of it.  I don’t think I’ve had my hair this short since I was a little girl.  But it’s a good change.  I think it’s always been about the hair, and it’s time to make it more about me.  Change is good.

What else?  I have been feeling very determined lately.  I don’t know why.  And I have no clue where this determination is coming from.   It’s a good thing.  A very good thing.  I like the feeling of knowing what I can do and trusting myself to do it.  Determination.  I need it.  And I need a lot of it.  I need it to get through this semester. If things stay this way, then I shouldn’t have to worry about anything.  Except the boyfriend graduating and leaving Maryland to do bigger and better things.

He’s LEAVING.  No need to freak out.  It’s only for EIGHT YEARS.  No, really.  I’m not freaking out.  I am very, very happy for him.  My future double doctor.  He is going to do great things.  I admire that about him.  The plan is to support him wherever he decides to go.  That’s what I’m here for.

This is going to be a great semester.  I just know it.  I’m going to get amazing grades, and I’m going to be one semester closer to wherever I want to be.  What’s next after that?  Graduate school, leave the country, write a fantastic book about a great and unfamiliar group of people somewhere in the middle of nowhere.  That’s what I want to do.  When it comes to myself, I have high hopes and even higher expectations.

I miss the girl….

I miss the girl who used to see something good about nearly anything.  I miss the girl who used to laugh at her own mistakes.  I miss the way the simplest of things made her so happy.  I miss her silliness.  I miss her smile. 

I miss the girl who used to be so strong.  I miss her “you-can’t-bring-me-down” persona.  I miss the way she fought her way through any obstacle.   I miss her strength.  I miss her positivity.  I miss her hopefulness.  

Lately I can’t seem to find her.  No matter how hard I’ve tried.  I keep wondering where she went.  I keep asking myself what could have possibly driven her away.

I miss the girl I used to know.  I miss the girl I used to be.  I just can’t seem to find her, and it upsets me.

Sure I can smile the way she used to, laugh the way she used to…  But deep inside I know that smile is unreal.  I know it’s just a cover.  I know it’s just another one of her million ways of hiding from the things she doesn’t want to feel.

Questions

How do you believe in something when nobody else does?

Why is it so difficult believe in something that everybody else seems to believe?

Because I believe… I just do.  But it’s just me, and that just won’t do.

Am I confusing you?

It’s ok.  You’re not alone.

I’m confused too. 

I’ve been thinking…

I've been thinking quite a lot.

And here's what I've been catching myself thinking about… 

Being in love is my favorite in the world.  Knowing what you love, getting what you love, and having what you love love you back… it's the best.  I wouldn't trade that for the world.

Some things are meant to be broken. Some things cannot be fixed because once the pieces are lost, you can never put them back together.

Some things are better left unsaid.  You don't want to say them too much that they soon lose their meaning.  I don't know if you know what I mean.

I remind myself every day that there is more to life than oversized handbags, pretty shoes, and big earrings.  There's chocolate and coffee.  Solitude and a good book.  Hot chocolate and cozy sweaters.  Friendships and laughter.  Smiles and kisses.  Familial love and mom's good cooking.

What else can I say?  Life is just TOO GOOD for me not to dress well while it happens.

Am I making any sense?

Happy New Year, everyone! 

I’m just TOO TIRED.

I'd like to use this time to COMPLAIN.  I am SO TIRED.  I'm tired of thinking.  I'm tired of reading.  I'm tired of highlighting.  I'm tired of cutting up innocent animals.  I'm tired of lectures and powerpoint slides.  I'm tired of writing.  I'm tired of staining and trying to figure out whatever organism this is.  I'm tired of microscopes and slides.  I'm tired of index cards.  I'm tired of quizzes and exams.  I'm tired of answering concept questions.  I'm tired of waking up early to do work.  I'm tired of sleeping late to do work.  I'm tired of waking up tired because I was tired the night before and the night before that.  I'm tired of speed-eating because I have to do work.  I'm tired of NOT eating because I have to do work.  I'm tired of not being able to shower for as long as I want.  I'm tired of rushing and being rushed.  I'm tired. 

I am just TOO darn TIRED.

My brain is like mashed potatoes.

And that's gross.

And I want to watch Grey's Anatomy.

Because I'm tired. 

And I miss my boyfriend.

And I want supersweet black tea. 

PAINt.

IF I could live off of the creativity flowing from the veins in my body,

IF the strokes of my brush could magically build a roof under my head,

IF that painting on the wall could feed my hungry mouth,

THEN life would be just great.

fantastic.

amazing.

fabulous.

No more straining my eyes to get the reading assignment done. 

No more making flash cards. 

No more dissecting frogs or rats. 

No more histology. 

No more three-hour labs.

No more pH calculations. 

No more Chemistry. 

No more nasty fuck MATH. 

But no.

AND because  the creativity flowing from the veins in my body can't make things happen…

I just have to suffer. And life right now isn't so fabulous.

I want to sleep. I want to have just a little bit more time to sit down and enjoy a meal.

I want just a little room to BREATHE. 

But it's not happening. Not today.

And I just want to paint. And I keep begging Time to just let this little girl PAINT. 

But Time… He just won't allow it. 

In just a few minutes, it will be October once again.

The leaves will soon be coming down.

And more work is waiting to be done. 

I want great, fantastic, amazing, fabulous to happen NOW.

But it comes at a price. It's called PAIN.

But. I just want. to PAINT.

Lists.

Lists are great.

Can you see what is happening?

The bad P-word.

Procrastination.

IT IS EVIL. 

Today is officially the middle of the second week of school.  15 weeks.  5 classes.  3 labs.  5 textbooks.  2 workbooks.  4 lab books.  15-20 hours at work.  Zero time for self.  Great. 

I like to make lists.   Making lists.  How very therapeutic!  Making lists honestly keeps me sane.  It gives me a sense of relaxation.  A break in the middle of a hectic day.  A system of checking for progress, if any.  Or a way of looking forward to tomorrow.

I make lists.  It's what I do.  I have many notebooks and notepads that serve the sole purpose of absorbing the ink coming from my very carefully selected, pretty, colorful (not to mention - costly) pens.  Small notebooks.  Medium notebooks.  Small pads.  Medium pads.  Swirly memo pads.  And serious-looking ones too!  Memo blocks.  Plain paper.  Colored paper.  Lined paper.  Graph paper.  Blank paper.  Paper with flowers.  Paper with flip-flops.  Handbags.  Pretty girls.  Polka dots.  Stars.  Animals.  Paper with inspirational quotes.  Post-its. I loooove post-its!  Paper, paper, and paper.  In a wiiiide array of colors.  My dad complains about the amount of paper I use (and BUY).  Paper, paper, and more paper.  And I use BLACK ink when I'm really mad at myself for not following my previous list.  Now, now… let's not get me started on the pens.  And I bet a few minutes ago you didn't think list-making was so complicated. 

I take list-making VERY seriously! lol.

Here's my most recent one, LOL.

Things NOT to do this Fall:
[] procrastinate
[] prevent myself from being productive
[] party too much
[] waste time on losers
[] talk on the phone for HOURS
[] take the little things for granted
[] stress out over insignificant nonsense
[] look like crap
[] fall apart
[] roll over and die

LIFE.

It can be rough at times. 

Nobody told me life was going to be easy.  Their expectations are high, and mine are even higher.  But right when I hear myself sighing, whining, and complaining… I ask myself, "What do I do now?"

I make yet another list. And life and I? …We fall right back in love again.

PS: WOW.  "I believe" currently has 99 views?  I'm impressed.  Thanks, guys! 

I believe…

Someone once asked a guy if he believes in love.  The guy replies, "Yes, but right now believing in love is like believing in unicorns."

My second post gave you a tiny, little glimpse of who I am.  But tonight you're very lucky because I feel like opening up a part of my heart and sharing it to the world.

I am IN LOVE.

I have loved before, and I have lost those battles.  But this time around, there is no war… no games to play… no need to figure out my next move… no need to fight whatever I'm feeling… there is no battle… just… LOVE.  At its best.  And this time around I feel like it's a victory.  I have never quite felt like this before.  I'm happy.  I'm satisfied.  I'm IN LOVE and everything around me is affected by this amazing feeling.  Once I've allowed to let this feeling take over me, everything became so much better.  The sun shines brighter.  My favorite perfume smells better each time I spray it.  My handwriting looks better.  My hair is softer, silkier, and smoother.  Even water tastes better.  I've learned to handle my problems better too (I don't freak out as much as I used to).  He keeps me SANE.  Slightly Sane.

Who's the lucky guy?  He's a great guy.  He's MY guy, MY man, MY mahal (love).  (more…)

"Starry Night" vs. "The Potato Eaters"

 I was probably eleven years old when I started asking my father, an artist (and a great one), about Vincent Van Gogh.  "Starry Night" amazed me even though I only saw pictures of it in art history books, postcards, posters, and on the covers of blank cards.  I was sure that seeing the real thing would be extremely mind-blowing.  I liked "Starry Night" so much that I think, one day, my admiration for the famous Vincent Van Gogh painting led my dad to decide that he's going to make his own version of it.  

And so he did.   And I can see a beautiful "Starry Night" à la Peria whenever I want.  It's resting against one of the walls of our family room.  Sometimes you'll see me sitting on the sofa and assume I'm just watching TV, but sometimes I find myself just staring at its beauty.

Me and my dad… We're not as close as we used to be.  I think it's partially because of the fact that I've grown up.  And partially because we disagree about a lot of things.  Like, let's see… my studies, my eating out habits, my being a squanderer, my extremely messy nature when it comes to my bedroom, etc.  But if there was one thing that we agree about, that one thing would be ART.

We talk about art quite frequently.  Even more lately because I just saw IT.  "Starry Night."  Finally.  (Thank you, Mr. BF, for taking me to the Museum of Modern Art).  It was a great moment.  One that I will always remember.  So great that I'll probably grow old and senile one day, but I'll force myself to keep that memory in my head.  So here's how it happened, my first encounter.  I entered the gallery, holding the hand of the man I love, and I knew where it was because there was a crowd of people admiring it, looking at it.  I looked around at the other pieces closer to the doorway first, Matisse, Picasso, and then I couldn't stand it anymore.  It really drew me in.  Like a force I couldn't control from taking over. 

And there it was.  (more…)

He said. She said. (PART I: She’s HAPPY)

girl: I'm happy, but I can't tell you why. I'm just letting you know… I'm happy. LOL
boy: why can't you tell me?
girl: because…
boy: ok
girl: lol
boy: *muah*
boy: i'm happy that you're happy
girl: *muah*
girl: are you happy?
boy: yup
girl: :-) good
boy:  are you happy?
girl: lol
girl: I just told you that, baby
boy: just double checking
girl: lol
girl: well, I'm gonna finish my sentence now
girl: I changed my mind again. nevermind. lol
boy: oh come on
boy: please?
boy: lol
girl: lol
boy: you were about to spill the beans
girl: haha, no I was not
girl: I was gonna tell you WHY I can't tell you the reason why I'm happy
girl: Am I confusing you yet?
boy: not at all
boy: I follow you 100%
girl: good, lol
boy: you don't have to tell me why you can't tell me
boy: lol
boy: you can't… so you can't
girl: lol. I was trying
boy: but you can't
boy: cuz you changed your mind
boy: it's ok
boy: I love you, babe
girl: lol
girl: I love you too, baby
girl: I was typing it, though… and then I re-read it, and thought… "my bf is very smart… if I press ENTER he'll know WHY I'm happy." so I deleted the whole thing and decided I wasn't gonna tell you
boy: lol
boy: ok
girl: 
boy: that's fine
girl: ok
girl: sorry
boy: no need to apologize
girl: ok
boy: you don't need to be sorry, babe
boy: i'm just happy that you're happy
girl: *muah*
boy: i'm sure it's something good
boy: *muah*
girl:
girl: damn it
girl: now I can't stop smiling
boy: wow…
boy: is it that good?
girl: lol. yeah, it must me
girl: be
girl: *
girl: lol
girl: and now I can't even type
girl: haha
(more…)

Things that make me feel like "double bleh." (A List)

• Feeling neglected/uncared for.
• When things don't go the way I want them to.
• Being sick.
• When my MAC eyeshadow cracks like one island of sweet perfection breaking apart into many different, useless, tiny islands of misery and hardship.
• When my flowers die. Or seeing my flowers die gradually. Oh, the pain.
• When shopping, finding something I like and realizing the store doesn't have my size.
• Looking for something that's not there.
• Disappointing the ones I love.
• When things break.
• Loss.
• Failure.
• Misunderstandings.
• Unwanted  truths.
• Hidden emotions.
• Lies on top of lies on top of lies.
• Missing the boyfriend.

I'll add more when I think of them. Or as they happen.

Another Try

So, I guess that was wrong of me not to give a proper introduction. Haha. What was I thinking? Introducing myself through a pile of words, a mess of phrases even I can't understand. Bad Kathryn!

 Okay, here we go…

 My name is Kathryn. I am 21 years old. I'm still in college, and I aspire to be an aging specialist one day. (Whatever that means… just pretend you get it, k?) Yeah, I can be pretty demanding. lol. I work, and I hate it. I don't think I'm your typical 21-year-old. Don't be disappointed. haha. I'm just not into the parties/clubbing thing. Well, at least not anymore and/or not right now. I guess I grew tired of it all, too quickly I must add. See, I turned 21, partied like crazy(not that I didn't party before that)… and now a couple of months later I'm sick of it. My parents must be happy. At this point in my life, I think I've been thinking a lot about the future. Because for a while  I was really eager to be able to drink legally. And now that I can do that… I don't want to. And I'm really starting to think… when I get what I want, after a while do I just… stop wanting it? Or is it satisfaction? Contentment maybe? Sometimes I think I just want… MORE. Don't we all? I keep thinking to myself, there's gotta be more… than THIS. It's not that I'm not happy with my life. I just feel as though I'm missing out on something. Like, there's something I should be doing, and I'm clearly not doing it. AND until I figure out what that is… I'm not drinking alcohol. *crosses arms, glares at unopened Captain Morgan bottle beside my laptop* 

I'm a generally happy person. I just think a lot.  

My family, my friends, my boyfriend… They ARE my world. 

So, I guess that's it for now. Toodles.

An Introduction

I am as stubborn as a rock
And as clear as a golden misty sunset.
I am a mystery to myself.
I am fun, and I'm not emo.
Happy people have problems too.
I smile, I cry
I pretend and lie.
Sometimes I do all that
Without knowing WHY.
And I'll come to an abrupt stop
Once in a while,
And wonder
Am I making sense at all?
Or should I retrace my steps
Reconnect the dots
For once and for all?